Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Thoughts For January 18th, 2011

Posted: January 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

– I heard that ‘hootie hoo’ was the call for the killer, but couldn’t find any information to back this up on wikipedia.

– If you are 19 and have only slept with 2 dudes your entire life, you are not ‘sexually frustrated’. Shut up. I’m trying to listen to the prof read his syllabus.

– If I try to drive you home, and you can’t remember me kicking you out of my car and telling you to lose my number, that’s on you. Not me.

– When will someone teach me how to ‘Dougie’? I’m available never.

– There exists a female that will actually accept you for who you are and won’t lose interest if you are not a total dick face to her. Unfortunately, that woman is your mom or your dog and you really shouldn’t try to date either one of them.

– I hope the Jets and Packers meet in the Super Bowl mainly because they are eskimo brothers through Brett Favre.

– Both A&M basketball teams are in the top ten. I’m happy for the men’s team because I like the coach. I’m happy for the women’s team because I have to be. (Title 9)

– There’s no sex in the champagne room. You gotta hit the bathroom in the back for that shit.

– Some asshole walked into a McDonald’s, in College Station, and stabbed a 12 year old girl. Just another reason I advocate them building a wall, along Villa Maria, between us and Bryan.

– I watched ‘Natural Born Killers’ last night and shaved my head when it was over. Tonight I’m watching ‘Avatar’ so there is a good chance I’ll be looking to fuck a smurf later.

– Texas Tech and Texas A&M both ranked very highly (top 14) in a study by Forbes magazine regarding a schools ability to help minorities acclimate to college life. I literally have nothing to add.

– #I #think #people #are #getting #a #little #carried #away #with #hashtags.

– I am still longing for the snow dens of our yesteryear.

– Heard my zodiac sign is now a Leo instead of a Virgo. Well this fucking changes everything. And by everything, I mean 10% of my pick up lines.



So the game is finally here and I must say the wait has been excruciating. However, with all that time on my hands, I was able to do quite a bit of research on both teams/schools/student bodies.

I decided to let the experts handle the football side of things while I delved into the more intense facets of each school.

Here is my unbiased analysis on the female student bodies of each:


Edge: LSU

While I would love to give this one to the Ags, LSU freshmen attainability, due to coming in with much lower expectations for their lives and a drastically more realistic approach to what college will entail, really puts them over the top. Do both schools have drinkers? Well yes. Do both schools have girls that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose? Of course. However the difference lies in the amount of work you have to put in to land one of these previously mentioned floozies. At A&M you have to take them out to dinner and then find a way to get them into whatever bar you want to go to that night. Then, and sometimes not even then, will you be able to crack open the treasure chest that is freshmen Aggie girls. With LSU’s girls, if you have a car and a bottle of Boonesfarm, the game is over.


Edge: Even

Sophomore girls, be it in Austin, Baton Rouge, College Station, Lubbock, or even crappy college towns like Houston, are all the same. They have had a full year away from their parents and have realized that all the morals and respectability they were taught in their youth is nice during the daylight, but when its dark outside, no one will say anything. They have also learned how much they can drink so you run a much lower risk of them pulling a RyanLostinTX. This one is a draw


Edge: A&M

Junior girls at A&M are unlike anything I have seen before. They are old enough to know how to act like they are out in the real world, but they still have their daddy’s debit cards. Not only can you get the hussies into whatever bar you wanna go to, but they LOVE to drop a “Oh I’ll just put it on my daddy’s card!” LSU girls have been known to try the same thing, but I always feel bad when ‘their daddy’s card’ is an ACE Cash Express ‘pay as you go’ card. Once you leave the bar, the Aggie girls will go out of their way to do all kinda of grown up stuff with you once you get her home. LSU girls try to, but they are either too hammered or they have a serious case of ‘leather vagina’ from over use.


Edge: Draw

Senior year with college girls is a lot like a garage sale. There could be some good stuff out there, but even the coolest shit has been used by someone else a time or five. The A&M girls have discovered that beer gets em drunk so they all have muffin tops. LSU girls have discovered that Olde English is cheap so they are all getting picked up at the corner store by former football players. Really nobody wins with senior girls.


Its hard to say which side wins in this battle, but all I know is that either way, if you get em drunk enough, you shouldn’t have any trouble closing the deal tonight unless you are a total dick head. I personally will be looking for LSU girls because they will be a little down and out after A&M kicks their team’s ass.

Good day and good hunting.

Being that it is summer time in Texas, I took a trip to New Braunfels to knock out a little float down the river. For those that are unfamiliar with the concept, tubing the river is basically going to the area near New Braunfels, renting a large tire shaped tube, and sitting in it for 4 or 5 hours while you float down a popular river.

Sounds simple and relatively safe, right? Well its not. It is complicated as fuck and dangerous as hell. At least if you do it the way my friends and I do.

My friend Rod, seen here in all his glory, and I, made our way into New Braunfels around 9:30AM on Saturday. Obviously we couldn’t buy any alcohol yet because the liquor store didn’t open until 10AM, so we made our way to our favorite little Mexican food place there in town. We were two or three (or four?) margaritas in by the time we realized we were a few hours late to meet some friends. We made a quick stop at a Valero and picked up two cases of Natural Light (because its cheap like us) and hit an HEB to buy a box of wine.

I can explain the box wine.

Rod’s room mate decided last minute to bring himself along, which is no problem whatsoever. However, when he decided to come along, so did his girlfriend and her friend. Now, truth be told, both girls are pretty cool chicks and can cook a pretty stellar Monkey Bread (google it). But the plan for a low key river trip does not involve bringing along women. As we all know, women only complicate things and screw up the timing of every plan you will ever make. I don’t know why it takes so long to “get ready”, but it does. And their brains are smaller. So there. Anyways, the wine was meant to be a prank on Rod’s roomie. The girls would see it, drink it, get hammered, and he’d have to babysit. (insert quote about ‘the best laid plans…’)

We found our way up River Road and to a place called “Little Ponderosa” where we parked and loaded up coolers and tubes. We hit the water around 1PM. The first hour was spent floating and enjoying a few frosty digusting Natty Lights. Up ahead we saw place worth of stopping and it was decided to do so.

This is where shit started to get real.

I pulled out the wine and was sure that upon seeing it, both girls would pounce and my work would be done. They both glanced, but made no move. Maybe if I pop it open and drink some… yeah that’ll work… still nothing? Well shit… Maybe we should pass it around… Still no interest… well yeah I’ll drink some more, I mean it doesnt taste bad… Rod you want some more? yeah here… Sure I’ll hit that one more time… Ok fine we’ll put it away for now… Try again later…

We were about to shove off when another group pulled up to our little high spot where we had stopped. One guy pulled a 5th of Seagram’s out of his cooler, and far be it from me to pass up free whiskey, so naturally I took a few pulls.

FINALLY we got back in our tubes and continued down the river. More beer. More music. Less memory of it all.

At one point we came up to a small 6 or 7 foot wide chute. When you come to a chute on the river, it is usually due to a man made dam and there are normally a large number of rocks just past it since they settle there once the force of the water no longer can carry them. The main thing to remember is to NOT get out of your tube. Let the water carry you clear of all rapids and obstacles.

As we neared the chute, I decided I wanted to get out of my tube for some unknown, and clearly retarded, reason. As my tube shot through the opening, I remember hearing some country bumpkin say “That boy is fuckin dumb… heh heh heh…” I’m assuming he said this through the gaps in his teeth because it is a documented fact that all locals off the river in that area look like they have their tongue in jail when they smile. I got pulled one way, then another, then back the other way, I was under water for a good 20 seconds, all the while playing “find the sharp, pointy rocks” with my shins, and kicking ass at it. I surfaced after a while, tried to stand, and realized that wasn’t happening due to my incredible drunken stupor. I half paddled over to my friends and my tube, dragging my legs across several other rocks along the way just to make a point to myself that I could, in fact, stand more pain. I struggled back into my tube and managed to stay firmly planted in it for the rest of the trip.

Except for when I thought we were at the end, but it turned out to just be some dude’s yard. He wasn’t too impressed with me and my wobbly boots.

But after that, I stayed in my tube. I think.

I would include more stories from the river, but I did that “black out hammered drunk” thing and I don’t really remember much of it. I’ll just make something up here and fill in the blanks. The next chute was actually a time warp like from “Land of the Lost” and it took me back to the 1980s where I found a few bikini models and we did grown up things. What? Are you gonna say it didn’t?? You weren’t even there, asshole.

So I leave you with a story I do remember.

We somehow got from New Braunfels to San Antonio later that night. I think we teleported. I passed out on a couch in my buddy’s apartment because that is just what I do. At 2AM my body started screaming at me for water and some sort of pain killer. I am never one to deny myself either, so I got up and leaned against whatever was nearest as I stumbled to the kitchen. Once there, I got a glass out and turned towards the sink, almost losing my balance. As I filled the glass with water, I leaned forward to grab a bottle of Ibuprofen. Somewhere between my brain and my hands, the message to catch me from falling was lost. But don’t worry, I caught myself. On the counter. With my face. Rod found me moments later, glass of water in hand, with a swollen lip, sitting on the kitchen floor just laughing my happy ass off and joyfully pointing out that “this won’t be near as funny to me tomorrow…”

And it sure as shit wasn’t.

It rained Thursday here in town so obviously I did the only thing I could think to do. I went to a local hill, took a trash bag out of a trash can nearby, emptied it onto the ground, poked holes for my head and my arms and proceeded to show the kids how to slip and slide without an actual slip and slide.

Aside from the occasional stray root nearly removing my lawn dart (and by that I mean my massive male genitalia) from my body, the event was a success. I even managed to bruise my entire chest and pull a muscle in my back!!

I told you that story to tell you this story. The sun finally came out after an hour so we started on our way home. En route to my apartment, we passed a young lad walking on the sidewalk. He was dressed much like I would dress if I were going somewhere nice. T-shirt, khaki shorts, sandals, and a hat. However what drew my attention to him was the fact that his hat was backwards. Ok. Not just that his hat was backwards, but that his hat was backwards AND he had his hand up shading his eyes from the bright afternoon sun.

Let me repaint that lovely picture for you just to make sure you are understanding what I’m saying. The dumbass had his hat on backwards, meaning the big bill, that was initially installed in the baseball cap back in the early 1600s or something to act as a magic third hand covering your eyes from the sun, was covering his neck, which was already shaded because the sun was in front of him and his big melon was blocking it. He had his hand up in the place the hat bill would have been if he had flipped it around.

What really made the scene for me was the look of frustration on the dude’s face. It basically screamed out “DAMMIT!!! Why won’t they put something on the FRONT of these hat things to help me in situations like this!!”

I would have cried for him if I hadn’t been laughing so hard.

That is all.

The 25 Year Old Sophomore

Posted: June 5, 2010 in Uncategorized

The origins of this blog are simple in logic, but complex in background.

First the background. I got into Texas A&M in 2003 and was enrolled for seven semesters. I was on scho pro for five. Don’t ask how I did it, I’m just good like that. I learned eventually that while charm can get you A’s and B’s in high school, all it does is delay the inevitable in college. I was asked to “take a break” after the Fall 06 semester.

For three years I lived with the fact that I let a golden opportunity, that not many people get in the first place, slip right through my hands. Sometimes I could shrug it off. Sometimes I couldn’t. Finally I had had enough of the world as an underachiever and contacted A&M to get back in. My academic advisor (who is pretty smokin for a 32 year old) told me that I could come back and try it again, but “if you screw up, I’m just gonna kick you out again.” Ironically, she isn’t the first woman to tell me that.

So I’m back in school. I’m back on campus. I’m back in the college world…. and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ‘KIDS’ THESE DAYS?!?!?!?

I didn’t notice it too much at first, but the more time I spent on campus and around these 19 to 22 year old morons, the more it became quite obvious that they are all dumber than a box of styrofoam peanuts when it comes to existing in the “real world”. I know they didn’t get this way in the last three years, but I didn’t notice it when I was there so to me its all new and ridiculous.

I’ve decided to use this blog to do the only thing I can do. The only thing I know how to do. The only thing people really expect from me anymore.

Point out and elaborate to great extent the sheer lack of common sense, the amazing depths of stupidity, and the remarkably impressionable soft minded brains of college age kids at this school and all schools.

I am Clint/Shane. I am 25. I am a sophomore.

It starts now…