Why the River and I are Fighting

Posted: June 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

Being that it is summer time in Texas, I took a trip to New Braunfels to knock out a little float down the river. For those that are unfamiliar with the concept, tubing the river is basically going to the area near New Braunfels, renting a large tire shaped tube, and sitting in it for 4 or 5 hours while you float down a popular river.

Sounds simple and relatively safe, right? Well its not. It is complicated as fuck and dangerous as hell. At least if you do it the way my friends and I do.

My friend Rod, seen here in all his glory, and I, made our way into New Braunfels around 9:30AM on Saturday. Obviously we couldn’t buy any alcohol yet because the liquor store didn’t open until 10AM, so we made our way to our favorite little Mexican food place there in town. We were two or three (or four?) margaritas in by the time we realized we were a few hours late to meet some friends. We made a quick stop at a Valero and picked up two cases of Natural Light (because its cheap like us) and hit an HEB to buy a box of wine.

I can explain the box wine.

Rod’s room mate decided last minute to bring himself along, which is no problem whatsoever. However, when he decided to come along, so did his girlfriend and her friend. Now, truth be told, both girls are pretty cool chicks and can cook a pretty stellar Monkey Bread (google it). But the plan for a low key river trip does not involve bringing along women. As we all know, women only complicate things and screw up the timing of every plan you will ever make. I don’t know why it takes so long to “get ready”, but it does. And their brains are smaller. So there. Anyways, the wine was meant to be a prank on Rod’s roomie. The girls would see it, drink it, get hammered, and he’d have to babysit. (insert quote about ‘the best laid plans…’)

We found our way up River Road and to a place called “Little Ponderosa” where we parked and loaded up coolers and tubes. We hit the water around 1PM. The first hour was spent floating and enjoying a few frosty digusting Natty Lights. Up ahead we saw place worth of stopping and it was decided to do so.

This is where shit started to get real.

I pulled out the wine and was sure that upon seeing it, both girls would pounce and my work would be done. They both glanced, but made no move. Maybe if I pop it open and drink some… yeah that’ll work… still nothing? Well shit… Maybe we should pass it around… Still no interest… well yeah I’ll drink some more, I mean it doesnt taste bad… Rod you want some more? yeah here… Sure I’ll hit that one more time… Ok fine we’ll put it away for now… Try again later…

We were about to shove off when another group pulled up to our little high spot where we had stopped. One guy pulled a 5th of Seagram’s out of his cooler, and far be it from me to pass up free whiskey, so naturally I took a few pulls.

FINALLY we got back in our tubes and continued down the river. More beer. More music. Less memory of it all.

At one point we came up to a small 6 or 7 foot wide chute. When you come to a chute on the river, it is usually due to a man made dam and there are normally a large number of rocks just past it since they settle there once the force of the water no longer can carry them. The main thing to remember is to NOT get out of your tube. Let the water carry you clear of all rapids and obstacles.

As we neared the chute, I decided I wanted to get out of my tube for some unknown, and clearly retarded, reason. As my tube shot through the opening, I remember hearing some country bumpkin say “That boy is fuckin dumb… heh heh heh…” I’m assuming he said this through the gaps in his teeth because it is a documented fact that all locals off the river in that area look like they have their tongue in jail when they smile. I got pulled one way, then another, then back the other way, I was under water for a good 20 seconds, all the while playing “find the sharp, pointy rocks” with my shins, and kicking ass at it. I surfaced after a while, tried to stand, and realized that wasn’t happening due to my incredible drunken stupor. I half paddled over to my friends and my tube, dragging my legs across several other rocks along the way just to make a point to myself that I could, in fact, stand more pain. I struggled back into my tube and managed to stay firmly planted in it for the rest of the trip.

Except for when I thought we were at the end, but it turned out to just be some dude’s yard. He wasn’t too impressed with me and my wobbly boots.

But after that, I stayed in my tube. I think.

I would include more stories from the river, but I did that “black out hammered drunk” thing and I don’t really remember much of it. I’ll just make something up here and fill in the blanks. The next chute was actually a time warp like from “Land of the Lost” and it took me back to the 1980s where I found a few bikini models and we did grown up things. What? Are you gonna say it didn’t?? You weren’t even there, asshole.

So I leave you with a story I do remember.

We somehow got from New Braunfels to San Antonio later that night. I think we teleported. I passed out on a couch in my buddy’s apartment because that is just what I do. At 2AM my body started screaming at me for water and some sort of pain killer. I am never one to deny myself either, so I got up and leaned against whatever was nearest as I stumbled to the kitchen. Once there, I got a glass out and turned towards the sink, almost losing my balance. As I filled the glass with water, I leaned forward to grab a bottle of Ibuprofen. Somewhere between my brain and my hands, the message to catch me from falling was lost. But don’t worry, I caught myself. On the counter. With my face. Rod found me moments later, glass of water in hand, with a swollen lip, sitting on the kitchen floor just laughing my happy ass off and joyfully pointing out that “this won’t be near as funny to me tomorrow…”

And it sure as shit wasn’t.

  1. bcstagg says:

    I, mean, great story, except when you called Natty Light disgusting. It is a beautiful beer.

  2. […] a river ain’t as easy as it sounds. (As seen here) The word ‘float’ implies a nice simple leisurely day on top of some water and it makes […]

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